Carolina Cross Connection

Carolina Cross Connection.

When you read these words, there are a myriad of different reactions. For some, you are reminded of weeks spent serving others, summers spent on staff, and lives changed and touched. For others, you think of me telling you stories of my staff and campers. For others, you have no idea what it is. Well, let me tell you about it.

Carolina Cross Connection is the closest to heaven I've ever been.

Let me explain that a little bit. For the past two summers, I've been lucky enough to be involved with two different staffs. On those staffs, I have experienced love, grace, forgiveness, and joy like nowhere else I've ever been. And my campers: they bring happiness, love, the occasional bit of frustration, and they teach me more than I could ever have dreamed. The people we work for: they provide hope. I know that should be the other way around, but somehow, it's not. Somehow, each person I meet, I find myself wanting to be a little more like them. I want their spirituality, their love for others, their willingness to be humble. I don't know why God has blessed me with these opportunities to meet my staff members, my campers, and those we work for, but I find myself closer to God with every summer, every day, that passes.

So, back to the closest to heaven. Third camp week of this year, during our vespers worship (for you non-CCCers, that's the loud and crazy fun one), I found myself at the end, watching everyone else. I saw sixty people who didn't know each other four days before, with their arms wrapped around each other, swaying and singing "How He Loves" at the top of their lungs. And it was shockingly beautiful for something so simple. I thought in that moment, "This is what heaven must look like." People who don't know each other, people who may not speak the same language, singing and praising God because He loves us so much.

Carolina Cross Connection is more than paperwork and setting up worships. It's the people with their hands around each other, praising God. It's listening to an 82 year old man share his testimony of overcoming alcohol addiction. It's talking to a camper who wants to be saved. It's watching kids talk about Jesus together, and listening to them encouraging each other. CCC is much more than ministry; it's the kingdom of God showing up on earth.

Making Changes and Taking Chances

I guess we'll just jump right in here.

I will not be back to Greensboro in the fall. I'm transferring to Charlotte. 

I know that this is probably not the most personal way to tell the people I care about, but it's the place I can explain it best. There's honestly not a lot to say, but here it is.

I have been unhappy at Greensboro for a long time. Classes have sucked and being away from my family has been hard. There has been a lot that has kept me from being happy. I finally decided that life is too short to keep staying somewhere where I'm not happy. Please don't misunderstand me: my friends have been the one reason that I considered staying. Andria, Madeline, Evelyn, Rachel, Logan, Tim, Connor, Allyssa, Katie, Sarah, Kristin, Rosie, Rebecca, Tonisa, Evan... (and more, of course) you were the reasons I considered staying next year. It absolutely breaks my heart to know that I won't be seeing you guys on a regular basis. It does. But, in my heart, I know that as much as it hurts, it would hurt me more to stay in a place that I'm miserable.

I'll be praying for you all, and I pray you'll stay in contact after I transfer. 

Please, don't *ever* hesitate to come talk to me about anything; I'm still your friend and I love you all dearly.

Don't worry, you haven't seen the last of me yet.

Kayla

"What do you say to taking chances? What do you say to jumping off the edge, never knowing if there's solid ground below, or a hand to hold, or hell to pay? What do you say?"

Messy Spirituality: Ramblings inspired from a quote in the book

Oh, hey. It's been so long since I updated that I honestly almost forgot I had a blog. Sadly, this (along with almost everything else) took a back seat to schoolwork for the last month or two. Finals were crazy, classes were ridiculous, and hey, my friends are always a distraction. The best kind there is, of course!

Anyway, I've been done with my sophomore year for about a week now, and I'll be working for Carolina Cross Connection again this summer. (YAY!!!) I can't wait to get started. So, they sent us a book they want us to read for staff training entitled Messy Spirituality by Michael Yaconelli. I've read a few pages, and then I read the following passage.

"Spirituality is not a formula; it is not a test. It is a relationship. Spirituality is not about competency; it is about intimacy. Spirituality is not about perfection; it is about connection. The way of spiritual life begins where we are now in the mess of our lives. Accepting the reality of our broken, flawed lives is the beginning of spirituality not because the spiritual life will remove our flaws but because we let go of seeking perfection, and, instead, seek God, the one who is present in the tangledness of our lives. Spirituality is not about being fixed; it is about God's being present in the mess of our unfixedness."

Well, dang. If that's what being spiritual is, then I have been doing it wrong for a very long time. You see, to me, modern-day American Christianity has told me that being a follower of Christ means that you need to have all your stuff together in order to come to Jesus. Intentionally or not, that's what I've been told. And it's hard. Why? Because I'm not perfect. God only knows. I'm selfish, I'm vain, I'm arrogant, and half the time I believe the universe revolves around me. The other half? I'm angry that it doesn't. So, all in all, it's hard to be a "good Christian" in American society when everyone (verbally and otherwise) communicates that, in order to be accepted, you have to have everything together.

Whether we want it to or not, this type of thinking effects our relationship with God. Because we're human, we eventually start to put God into boxes that we can understand. It's not good, but it's what we do because we can't comprehend the infinite goodness of God. So, because of that, we start letting human ideas reflect what we think of God. Well, I do, anyway. Maybe you, dear reader, are more mature in your walk than all of that.

I, however, constantly let both my perceptions of myself, and what I believe others think of me, get in the way of what I think God thinks of me. ... That sentence was kind of confusing. Go back and reread if you need to. I'll wait.

That quote up there? It stopped me dead in my tracks. It really did. In today's church, I feel that we unintentionally SCREAM to the world: "YOU AREN'T WORTHY OF GOD'S LOVE. YOU CANNOT BE FORGIVEN. YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE." Why do I think that? Because that's how I see myself. I have this one thing that I can't seem to let go of in my life. I won't share it here, not now. For now, that's between God and myself. But because of this "one little thing" that has turned into something so much more serious, the previous statements are, in fact, how I see myself. And, if you're honest, I think you'll understand that, because you're there, or have been there.

But that passage up there? That showed me the love of God differently. At twenty, I'm honestly just learning that God doesn't see us the way we do. I envy people that just believe that, and accept it, no problems. However, it's hard for me. I've seen myself a certain way since a very young age, and that's gradually starting to change. Those words up there helped so much. They made me realize that perfection will never happen on this earth. Why not? Because I'm not Jesus. I really don't have anything else to say about it.

Let's God's truth and grace sink into your heart. Don't let you be the thing that keeps God's grace from changing you.

Secret Church

"We have denounced God's sovereignty, dishonored God's holiness, despised God's righteousness, disregarded God's wrath and denied His love. Our minds are blinded, our emotions are disordered, our bodies are defiled, and our relationships are broken. We are slaves to sin, dominated by Satan, lovers of darkness, children of wrath, morally evil, sinfully sick, and spiritually dead... And we want what's fair?" -Secret Church '12, Study Guide pg. 191

 "Do you really want nothing but totally effective, instantaneous justice? Then go to hell." - D.A. Carson

Tonight I went to Secret Church. It was from 7 pm until 2 am. This event was to identify with brothers and sisters around the globe that are persecuted for believing in Christ. It was a night of studying the Word, drawing near to God, and learning about how our suffering is ultimately used for His glory, not ours.

The first two quotes are really, really important. These two things... They show who we are, and who God is. God, in His Word, is described as sovereign, holy, righteous, loving, perfect, and just. We, as stated in that quote, are anything but. We take everything God proves himself to be and throw it in His face. We defile it, and make cheap, twisted versions of His glory. Yet, when we experience hard times and suffering, we look at God and say, "That's not fair!" "If there really was a God, we wouldn't have to suffer," we say. "If there was a good God, famine, poverty, disease, and death wouldn't exist in the world," we say. This, friends, is a LIE. I believe in the God of the Bible. I believe this God is who he says He is. I believe that His standard of perfection is something I can never reach on my own. I believe that, on my own, I am forever separated from the love and mercy and grace of God. I believe that were God to give out the justice I say I yearn for, I would be sent straight to hell. No hope, no love, no mercy.

I am a sinner, and I would be going straight to hell.

HOWEVER.

I praise my God, now and forever, because He is a merciful God. He doesn't give me the justice I deserve. He doesn't give me what I think I want. He doesn't give me what I ask for. Instead, God sends a man by the name of Jesus Christ. He sends a Savior to die on a cross. He sent a man who took my sins, my shame, the portion of wrath that God had for me, and took it all on himself, so that I may have the mercy of God. God sent his own son to die for me. God gave Himself so that I might have fellowship with Him.

God is so merciful that He doesn't give us what we ask for. Instead, he gives us a way to know Him and His fullness.

HALLELUJAH, WHAT A SAVIOR!

Thanks, Logan.

Tonight, I just wanted to give a shout-out to my good friend Logan.

For those of you that don't know Logan, he's awesome. Since the day I met him, he has impressed me with the love he has for God. He is always real with people, and is truly one of the nicest people I have ever met. His love for God seems to motivate everything he does. Tonight, Logan spoke on John 21, and how God refines us through tough times. He also shared something he's been through (which I won't share on this blog. Not my story to tell.) and how God made him stronger through it, which was a big encouragement.

So, Logan, just wanted to give you a shout out and tell you what an amazing friend you are, and how blessed I feel to have a man of God like you in my life.  He's gonna do big things through you, man. Be prepared for that.

Free, Accepted, and Loved

This past weekend has been a WOW, GOD! weekend. There are moments when things make sense like they never have before, and this weekend was one of those. I have something exciting to share:

I got saved Friday night.

Yeah. For those of you that know me, you may be thinking, "Wait, what? You're a Christian already." Yeah, that's what I thought too. God absolutely got a hold on my heart and moved me. What I learned when praying this weekend, was that you need to be ready to hear from God when you ask for it, because He answers. Expect God to move when you ask. Friday night, before the message, I pray that God would rock my world. Oh, man. He totally did. So, on Friday night, our speaker, Matt Orth, spoke on David and Goliath. He read 1 Samuel 17:1-24, 31-47. He spoke about David and Goliath in a way that I had never heard. The thing that stuck with me the most was this verse: "He reached the camp as the army was going out to its battle positions, shouting the war cry." Some background on this verse: In verse 16, the Bible says that Goliath would come out and taunt the armies of God, twice a day. So eighty times, the armies of God would put on their armor, and shout the battle cry... and then they would run away. No, really. Verse 24 says that the armies of God ran away. I've always heard the interpretation that Jesus is our champion, David, and that Satan is Goliath, and that, as sinners, we are the armies of God, shaking in the background. I heard this in a new way Friday night. As the armies of God, most of us know the battle cry. As Matt said, we know the answers to the questions in Sunday School. "Is Jesus the Son of God?" "YES!" "Is Jesus holy?" YES!" We have a head knowledge of God, but we don't trust God enough to come through for us, just like the Israelites. We cry out, declaring the glory of God, but we don't trust him enough to do so. 

That hurt. Guys, this is really hard to listen to, and even harder to be convicted of. God moved my heart, and flipped it upside down. He is so incredible! 

I just can't explain how overjoyed I am tonight to be filled with the presence of God, and to be able to praise him with all my heart.
I'm looking forward to the future, and getting ready for something big, 'cause it's coming. 

Praising Him

Tonight... I just feel so overwhelmed by God's love and mercy. I went with my roommate to an off campus ministry called Encounter, and at Encounter, we read 1 Corinthians 13. You know, the "love chapter". The one that is read at every wedding ever. That one.

I struggle with forgiveness, and with loving. Obviously I struggle forgiving and loving others, but for some reason, it's harder sometimes to forgive myself, and move on from the past. When we read 1 Corinthians, I saw a picture of how we're supposed to love others, but also, a picture of how we should love ourselves. Let me explain! Normally, when Christians talk about "loving themselves", it's assumed that we are sinning by being prideful, or whatever. However, tonight I saw a different picture. I saw Christ's love shining... And I think that, in order to fully love others, we have to love and accept ourselves. Not to a prideful extent, but we have to accept ourselves as Christ loved and accepted us. We are valuable, but only through Christ. We are made righteous, but only through Christ. We are forgiven, but only through Christ. For a long time now, I've held myself to an impossibly high standard. It was too high because I thought I could reach it alone. I thought I could love myself; I thought I could forgive myself; I thought I could love and forgive others without help. Tonight, God moved some things in my heart, and helped me to see: There is nothing I can do without Him. Nothing at all.

I'm not sure if this post makes a lot of sense, but I just wanted to share what God laid on my heart tonight.