Thanks, Matt.

Tonight, I'd just like to give a quick shout-out to a man I'm proud to call my friend: Matt Kennedy.
I'm not super close with Matt, but what I do know is that he loves Jesus a lot, which is really refreshing at the college I attend. He spoke at BCM tonight about salvation, and how it's impossible for man to save himself; but  salvation (and everything else) is possible for and with God. I just wanted to thank Matt for letting God use him. I know what he said made a huge impact on me tonight. God's love was absolutely pouring out of Matt's words tonight, spreading around the room and touching hearts. I've heard Matt speak before, and one of the things that strikes me every time is his humility. Matt never tries to be a big-shot, never claims to be all that, and probably because of that, all of his messages seem to shoot straight to the heart. God is working through Matt, and I just know that as he goes off to seminary, God will have greater things in store for him. Matt will be teaching, supporting, and healing a lot of people.

Thanks, Matt, for all you've done and will continue to do.

Women in America

So, as most of you who read this blog (all two of you) know, I am a feminist. I'm not "crazy", I don't not shave because of "the man", nor do I spit at men on the street. However, I do strongly believe that women can do all that men can, and more. We really can do more. Men don't bear children. However, a conversation with a friend tonight made me want to write about my stance and why I believe what I do. I also want to confront the large double standard that I, unfortunately, have. So, I'm going to attempt to keep this both rant-free, and clear, so my very strong opinions on the subject can be more easily understood. The topics I want to touch on are: pageants, especially those involving children; the use of makeup on children; and lastly, the double standard I feel both horrified of and bound to.

Let's start with my resentment of pageants. First of all, let me just start off by saying: I do NOT hate teens or adults who are in/win/support pageants. If the person wants to do it, that is their prerogative, and it is not my place to judge that. Moving on the resentment. The reason I don't like pageants is simply because I believe it causes children (young girls, mostly) to learn to hate others. Go with me for a sec. Let's just say we have two girls: Kate and Ashley, both are four years old. that are competing for the same crown, or whatever you win. So, let's say Ashley wins the pageant. What is Kate's automatic reaction? Hatred. Why is that? To me, it seems to start with the mothers of these small girls. From what I've seen of Toddlers in Tiaras, which is literally the commercials, the mothers seem (for the most part) to be the only ones who want to be there. They freak out if the little girl's outfit isn't right, or if the judges don't like her. For example, in the latest commercial, I saw a mother whose girl looked to be about three or four, and the mother was sitting in the hotel room with her daughter and husband crying, "They hate her! They hate her!" The screen then cuts to a shot of the daughter running out of the room. How on earth is that good for a four year old to hear?! To me, that is teaching your daughter to assume people will hate her if she doesn't dress "correctly", or doesn't hold herself the right way, etc. I've also seen a .gif of a girl on that show saying, "I don't even want to be here. My mom promised if I came she'd give me tacos." For a second I wanted to laugh, and then I realized how utterly sad that was. [Mothers of these girls: your daughter is not your chance to have a second chance at becoming homecoming queen. She is a person with separate interests which may or may not be the same as yours. She isn't your plaything to dress up at will.  She is beautiful, unique, and flat-out amazing. Don't teach her to hate someone else for being prettier, or thinner, or whatever. Teach her to love others, not hate them.She is your daughter. Treat her like it.] This mother had made her child do something she didn't want to do, simply so the mother could have bragging rights if she won. To me, pageants seem to exalt physical beauty only. They also seem to support hatred, competition, the idea of "I'm better than you", and that hurting others by your own glory is a good thing.

On to point two: makeup. Let's start with young girls, such as those in pageants. I see girls on these shows running around, and most of them tend to have more makeup on than I wear; and I'm a 19 year-old, who is trying to be attractive to the male gender. That is something I feel is deeply inappropriate. I feel that the girls who wear makeup like this are subconsciously being told, "You are too ugly to go out in the world with no makeup." "People won't like you if you don't wear this." "Your natural face isn't good enough." [Yes, I hear all you people who are clamoring that I wear makeup. I'm getting there. Hold your horses.] If a four year old has to put on makeup to impress a panel of judges: what does that say about our beauty system in America? To me, that is screaming that it is tremendously flawed. A four year old's experience with makeup should be being yelled at by her mother for taking the mothers' makeup while playing dress up. That's it. I feel that putting makeup on a girl that young is literally teaching her how to hate herself. In my belief system, I believe in a Creator God. That means that each person was uniquely and individually made by God. [If you have questions/comments/concerns/complaints about that, save that for a different time and place. Message me on Facebook, or something.] I think each person on this earth is beautiful to the Lord. Simple as that. I do not think that the American system of beauty is the best, or even good! One of my friends, a size 6 jean, found out that, according to American standards, she could be a plus-size model. I wear double that. I am a size 12-14 jean and PROUD. I am beautiful. I'm not saying that to toot my own horn; I am simply acknowledging what God has already said. However, I feel when you put young girls in make up, or make them count calories, or make them wear certain kinds of outfits, you are setting those girls up for failure. If a "plus-size model" is a 6, but the national average is a 10 or 12, that girl is going to hate herself. Simple as that. She will see herself as fat, when she is in fact, completely normal. How do I know this? I have struggled with this my entire life. Growing up, I had horrible self-image because I was taught that to be beautiful, you had to wear a certain jean size. Not by my parents, by the media. Shoving this kind of thinking into a four year old's head is heading for disaster, not just for her; but for her whole generation.

Lastly: the fact that, unfortunately, I am a walking contradiction. I am a feminist, but I wear makeup. I hate that women are objectified, yet I wear high heels cause they make my calves and butt look good. I hate pageants, but I love America's Next Top Model. I feel like that is truly a product of the society I live in. I'm not blaming them entirely. I know I contradict myself. For example, I've already said that in order to attract male attention, I wear makeup. However, I feel like the way I view makeup and its' uses are different from some women. I was taught by my mother, thank God, that makeup is an enhancer. It brings out the beauty that each and every woman already has. Yes, it can conceal pimples, and yes, it can even out your skin, but it will never take the place of the natural beauty every woman has. That is my personal reason that I wear makeup. I'm trying to enhance myself, not hide behind a sheet of it. This paragraph will be kind of short. I just wanted to acknowledge that I know I contradict myself quite a bit. I feel like some of the reasons I do that is because of the media, and the American standards for beauty, which (as previously stated) are completely warped. However, at the same time that I blame the media, I'm only worsening the problem by giving into its' pressures. I feel like gender roles, and how each should be viewed are not things that can be easily dealt with, or unraveled. I just wanted to give an honest opinion about how I felt. 

I'd love to keep the conversation going, so comment below, or message me/post on my wall on Facebook!

Kayla 

Honesty

So, tonight, I just wanted to share some encouraging words I found in Psalms 73. For a while now, I've been battling with a lot of things, and I just now feel like I'm at a point where I may be able to defeat them. However, for a long time now, my main fear is that God wouldn't take me after all the things I'd said and done. I'd had lots of sacrilegious thoughts, God only knows how many actions and words... and I knew that if I were God, I sure wouldn't want me. However, tonight I found these verses:
"When my heart was grieved
   and my spirit embittered,
I was senseless and ignorant;
   I was a brute beast before you.

Yet I am always with you;
   You hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
   and afterward you will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
   And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and heart may fail,
   but God is the strength of my heart
   and my portion forever."
                         - Psalm 73:21-26

These verses were just so comforting to me! It lets me know that no matter what I say or think or feel or do, that God not only accepts me; He holds my hand and walks me through the hard times. It's just a comfort to know that He won't ever let me go. I saw something interesting the other day: it talked about how we always freak out over the "loss of salvation". We get scared because we think we can lose our salvation. But, in the end, it's not about whether we can "lose" our salvation; the real question is: will God ever let us go? The answer, my dears, is NEVER. Never ever ever ever ever. He is there and He loves you no matter what.

Just some encouraging thoughts at 3:23 am. In case anyone needed them like I did tonight.

2012 has arrived, ya'll!

So, here we are. We are three days into the new year.
They have been overall good days for me (as I hope they have been for you). I can't wait to be back in Greensboro. I love my little town, but I also miss the hustle and bustle of a city. I miss having something to do; yes, I did just say I miss homework. I miss my friends. I miss my campus ministry. I miss the support there on campus. All that being said:

The last few days I have been nervous. Like, anxious. A lot. No idea why. It just seems to be a normal part of my day now. Part of it, I think, stems from the fact that I'm moving into a lot of new stuff this semester/year. I'm taking three classes I'm almost positive I'm going to be terrible at, I'll be leading a bible study for the first time ever (exciting, but still a bit nerve-wracking), and I'm turning 20. Maybe I'm just having a bit of an existential crisis about no longer being a teenager, but I truly do feel like I'm just freaking out all the time over things I have zero control over.

It almost feels like I'm being tempted with worry, if that makes sense. In Francis Chan's Crazy Love, he talks about how stress and worry are both ways of telling God that we don't trust Him enough. And then tonight, I saw this tweet: "Don't freak out because u don't know what the future holds. Remember, God holds the future in His hands. Sleep well." To be honest, that's (for some reason) something I've been having trouble doing lately. Going to bed and sleeping with ease. I feel... scared at night for some reason. I don't know what it is, or why, but I just feel uneasy. But, for some reason, those two things clicked in my head tonight. That I truly can sleep well and be at peace, because God has me in His hand. There is nothing I can do about my future, except trust that God sees it and is planning and shaping it.

It's just comforting to know that the One who knows eternity loves and knows me too.