Carolina Cross Connection

Carolina Cross Connection.

When you read these words, there are a myriad of different reactions. For some, you are reminded of weeks spent serving others, summers spent on staff, and lives changed and touched. For others, you think of me telling you stories of my staff and campers. For others, you have no idea what it is. Well, let me tell you about it.

Carolina Cross Connection is the closest to heaven I've ever been.

Let me explain that a little bit. For the past two summers, I've been lucky enough to be involved with two different staffs. On those staffs, I have experienced love, grace, forgiveness, and joy like nowhere else I've ever been. And my campers: they bring happiness, love, the occasional bit of frustration, and they teach me more than I could ever have dreamed. The people we work for: they provide hope. I know that should be the other way around, but somehow, it's not. Somehow, each person I meet, I find myself wanting to be a little more like them. I want their spirituality, their love for others, their willingness to be humble. I don't know why God has blessed me with these opportunities to meet my staff members, my campers, and those we work for, but I find myself closer to God with every summer, every day, that passes.

So, back to the closest to heaven. Third camp week of this year, during our vespers worship (for you non-CCCers, that's the loud and crazy fun one), I found myself at the end, watching everyone else. I saw sixty people who didn't know each other four days before, with their arms wrapped around each other, swaying and singing "How He Loves" at the top of their lungs. And it was shockingly beautiful for something so simple. I thought in that moment, "This is what heaven must look like." People who don't know each other, people who may not speak the same language, singing and praising God because He loves us so much.

Carolina Cross Connection is more than paperwork and setting up worships. It's the people with their hands around each other, praising God. It's listening to an 82 year old man share his testimony of overcoming alcohol addiction. It's talking to a camper who wants to be saved. It's watching kids talk about Jesus together, and listening to them encouraging each other. CCC is much more than ministry; it's the kingdom of God showing up on earth.

Making Changes and Taking Chances

I guess we'll just jump right in here.

I will not be back to Greensboro in the fall. I'm transferring to Charlotte. 

I know that this is probably not the most personal way to tell the people I care about, but it's the place I can explain it best. There's honestly not a lot to say, but here it is.

I have been unhappy at Greensboro for a long time. Classes have sucked and being away from my family has been hard. There has been a lot that has kept me from being happy. I finally decided that life is too short to keep staying somewhere where I'm not happy. Please don't misunderstand me: my friends have been the one reason that I considered staying. Andria, Madeline, Evelyn, Rachel, Logan, Tim, Connor, Allyssa, Katie, Sarah, Kristin, Rosie, Rebecca, Tonisa, Evan... (and more, of course) you were the reasons I considered staying next year. It absolutely breaks my heart to know that I won't be seeing you guys on a regular basis. It does. But, in my heart, I know that as much as it hurts, it would hurt me more to stay in a place that I'm miserable.

I'll be praying for you all, and I pray you'll stay in contact after I transfer. 

Please, don't *ever* hesitate to come talk to me about anything; I'm still your friend and I love you all dearly.

Don't worry, you haven't seen the last of me yet.

Kayla

"What do you say to taking chances? What do you say to jumping off the edge, never knowing if there's solid ground below, or a hand to hold, or hell to pay? What do you say?"

Messy Spirituality: Ramblings inspired from a quote in the book

Oh, hey. It's been so long since I updated that I honestly almost forgot I had a blog. Sadly, this (along with almost everything else) took a back seat to schoolwork for the last month or two. Finals were crazy, classes were ridiculous, and hey, my friends are always a distraction. The best kind there is, of course!

Anyway, I've been done with my sophomore year for about a week now, and I'll be working for Carolina Cross Connection again this summer. (YAY!!!) I can't wait to get started. So, they sent us a book they want us to read for staff training entitled Messy Spirituality by Michael Yaconelli. I've read a few pages, and then I read the following passage.

"Spirituality is not a formula; it is not a test. It is a relationship. Spirituality is not about competency; it is about intimacy. Spirituality is not about perfection; it is about connection. The way of spiritual life begins where we are now in the mess of our lives. Accepting the reality of our broken, flawed lives is the beginning of spirituality not because the spiritual life will remove our flaws but because we let go of seeking perfection, and, instead, seek God, the one who is present in the tangledness of our lives. Spirituality is not about being fixed; it is about God's being present in the mess of our unfixedness."

Well, dang. If that's what being spiritual is, then I have been doing it wrong for a very long time. You see, to me, modern-day American Christianity has told me that being a follower of Christ means that you need to have all your stuff together in order to come to Jesus. Intentionally or not, that's what I've been told. And it's hard. Why? Because I'm not perfect. God only knows. I'm selfish, I'm vain, I'm arrogant, and half the time I believe the universe revolves around me. The other half? I'm angry that it doesn't. So, all in all, it's hard to be a "good Christian" in American society when everyone (verbally and otherwise) communicates that, in order to be accepted, you have to have everything together.

Whether we want it to or not, this type of thinking effects our relationship with God. Because we're human, we eventually start to put God into boxes that we can understand. It's not good, but it's what we do because we can't comprehend the infinite goodness of God. So, because of that, we start letting human ideas reflect what we think of God. Well, I do, anyway. Maybe you, dear reader, are more mature in your walk than all of that.

I, however, constantly let both my perceptions of myself, and what I believe others think of me, get in the way of what I think God thinks of me. ... That sentence was kind of confusing. Go back and reread if you need to. I'll wait.

That quote up there? It stopped me dead in my tracks. It really did. In today's church, I feel that we unintentionally SCREAM to the world: "YOU AREN'T WORTHY OF GOD'S LOVE. YOU CANNOT BE FORGIVEN. YOU ARE NOT WELCOME HERE." Why do I think that? Because that's how I see myself. I have this one thing that I can't seem to let go of in my life. I won't share it here, not now. For now, that's between God and myself. But because of this "one little thing" that has turned into something so much more serious, the previous statements are, in fact, how I see myself. And, if you're honest, I think you'll understand that, because you're there, or have been there.

But that passage up there? That showed me the love of God differently. At twenty, I'm honestly just learning that God doesn't see us the way we do. I envy people that just believe that, and accept it, no problems. However, it's hard for me. I've seen myself a certain way since a very young age, and that's gradually starting to change. Those words up there helped so much. They made me realize that perfection will never happen on this earth. Why not? Because I'm not Jesus. I really don't have anything else to say about it.

Let's God's truth and grace sink into your heart. Don't let you be the thing that keeps God's grace from changing you.

Secret Church

"We have denounced God's sovereignty, dishonored God's holiness, despised God's righteousness, disregarded God's wrath and denied His love. Our minds are blinded, our emotions are disordered, our bodies are defiled, and our relationships are broken. We are slaves to sin, dominated by Satan, lovers of darkness, children of wrath, morally evil, sinfully sick, and spiritually dead... And we want what's fair?" -Secret Church '12, Study Guide pg. 191

 "Do you really want nothing but totally effective, instantaneous justice? Then go to hell." - D.A. Carson

Tonight I went to Secret Church. It was from 7 pm until 2 am. This event was to identify with brothers and sisters around the globe that are persecuted for believing in Christ. It was a night of studying the Word, drawing near to God, and learning about how our suffering is ultimately used for His glory, not ours.

The first two quotes are really, really important. These two things... They show who we are, and who God is. God, in His Word, is described as sovereign, holy, righteous, loving, perfect, and just. We, as stated in that quote, are anything but. We take everything God proves himself to be and throw it in His face. We defile it, and make cheap, twisted versions of His glory. Yet, when we experience hard times and suffering, we look at God and say, "That's not fair!" "If there really was a God, we wouldn't have to suffer," we say. "If there was a good God, famine, poverty, disease, and death wouldn't exist in the world," we say. This, friends, is a LIE. I believe in the God of the Bible. I believe this God is who he says He is. I believe that His standard of perfection is something I can never reach on my own. I believe that, on my own, I am forever separated from the love and mercy and grace of God. I believe that were God to give out the justice I say I yearn for, I would be sent straight to hell. No hope, no love, no mercy.

I am a sinner, and I would be going straight to hell.

HOWEVER.

I praise my God, now and forever, because He is a merciful God. He doesn't give me the justice I deserve. He doesn't give me what I think I want. He doesn't give me what I ask for. Instead, God sends a man by the name of Jesus Christ. He sends a Savior to die on a cross. He sent a man who took my sins, my shame, the portion of wrath that God had for me, and took it all on himself, so that I may have the mercy of God. God sent his own son to die for me. God gave Himself so that I might have fellowship with Him.

God is so merciful that He doesn't give us what we ask for. Instead, he gives us a way to know Him and His fullness.

HALLELUJAH, WHAT A SAVIOR!

Thanks, Logan.

Tonight, I just wanted to give a shout-out to my good friend Logan.

For those of you that don't know Logan, he's awesome. Since the day I met him, he has impressed me with the love he has for God. He is always real with people, and is truly one of the nicest people I have ever met. His love for God seems to motivate everything he does. Tonight, Logan spoke on John 21, and how God refines us through tough times. He also shared something he's been through (which I won't share on this blog. Not my story to tell.) and how God made him stronger through it, which was a big encouragement.

So, Logan, just wanted to give you a shout out and tell you what an amazing friend you are, and how blessed I feel to have a man of God like you in my life.  He's gonna do big things through you, man. Be prepared for that.

Free, Accepted, and Loved

This past weekend has been a WOW, GOD! weekend. There are moments when things make sense like they never have before, and this weekend was one of those. I have something exciting to share:

I got saved Friday night.

Yeah. For those of you that know me, you may be thinking, "Wait, what? You're a Christian already." Yeah, that's what I thought too. God absolutely got a hold on my heart and moved me. What I learned when praying this weekend, was that you need to be ready to hear from God when you ask for it, because He answers. Expect God to move when you ask. Friday night, before the message, I pray that God would rock my world. Oh, man. He totally did. So, on Friday night, our speaker, Matt Orth, spoke on David and Goliath. He read 1 Samuel 17:1-24, 31-47. He spoke about David and Goliath in a way that I had never heard. The thing that stuck with me the most was this verse: "He reached the camp as the army was going out to its battle positions, shouting the war cry." Some background on this verse: In verse 16, the Bible says that Goliath would come out and taunt the armies of God, twice a day. So eighty times, the armies of God would put on their armor, and shout the battle cry... and then they would run away. No, really. Verse 24 says that the armies of God ran away. I've always heard the interpretation that Jesus is our champion, David, and that Satan is Goliath, and that, as sinners, we are the armies of God, shaking in the background. I heard this in a new way Friday night. As the armies of God, most of us know the battle cry. As Matt said, we know the answers to the questions in Sunday School. "Is Jesus the Son of God?" "YES!" "Is Jesus holy?" YES!" We have a head knowledge of God, but we don't trust God enough to come through for us, just like the Israelites. We cry out, declaring the glory of God, but we don't trust him enough to do so. 

That hurt. Guys, this is really hard to listen to, and even harder to be convicted of. God moved my heart, and flipped it upside down. He is so incredible! 

I just can't explain how overjoyed I am tonight to be filled with the presence of God, and to be able to praise him with all my heart.
I'm looking forward to the future, and getting ready for something big, 'cause it's coming. 

Praising Him

Tonight... I just feel so overwhelmed by God's love and mercy. I went with my roommate to an off campus ministry called Encounter, and at Encounter, we read 1 Corinthians 13. You know, the "love chapter". The one that is read at every wedding ever. That one.

I struggle with forgiveness, and with loving. Obviously I struggle forgiving and loving others, but for some reason, it's harder sometimes to forgive myself, and move on from the past. When we read 1 Corinthians, I saw a picture of how we're supposed to love others, but also, a picture of how we should love ourselves. Let me explain! Normally, when Christians talk about "loving themselves", it's assumed that we are sinning by being prideful, or whatever. However, tonight I saw a different picture. I saw Christ's love shining... And I think that, in order to fully love others, we have to love and accept ourselves. Not to a prideful extent, but we have to accept ourselves as Christ loved and accepted us. We are valuable, but only through Christ. We are made righteous, but only through Christ. We are forgiven, but only through Christ. For a long time now, I've held myself to an impossibly high standard. It was too high because I thought I could reach it alone. I thought I could love myself; I thought I could forgive myself; I thought I could love and forgive others without help. Tonight, God moved some things in my heart, and helped me to see: There is nothing I can do without Him. Nothing at all.

I'm not sure if this post makes a lot of sense, but I just wanted to share what God laid on my heart tonight.

The Presence of the LORD

I had an amazing prayer time tonight. Maybe I just haven't been doing it right for a long time, but tonight was just incredible. Okay, so for starters, I pray in my closet. Yes, I mean that literally. Some people have figurative prayer closets, others have literal ones. (I'm a literal girl.)
Anyway, so tonight I attended Inter-Varsity on campus with one of my friends, Lauren. She had invited me a few times before, but tonight was the first night I had been able to make it. This, in my opinion, was divine appointment. Tonight, the speaker, Dan Money (best last name EVER) spoke about Enoch, and how he walked faithfully with God. Well, I've been struggling in my walk recently. Fears, doubts, failures, and self-image have taken over my faith. They have haunted me day and night, making it harder and harder to connect with God.
Tonight, in his message, Dan talked about how when we walk with God, we gain three things: friendship, security, and light. God provides us with friendship through Christ. Let me repeat that: we are God's friends. God. He made the universe, made us, placed the stars in the sky. You know, little stuff like that. Us? We are beasts at breathing, and, more importantly, messing ourselves up. Secondly, when we walk with God, we gain security. The same God who created us, protects us from ourselves, which I find amazing. I know that I need protecting from myself. From my fears, from my plans, and from my ambitions. Lastly, we gain light. We gain a path. We gain someone who knows where we're headed. It's incredible. The last thing Dan said was: "Have you surrendered your heart to God? 'Cause it makes a difference."
Something about the way Dan phrased that question struck me. When I was growing up, I heard it said, "Have you given your heart to Jesus?" To give implies that you can always take it back. However, when you surrender, it's permanent. There is not going back when you surrender. It's a lasting decision. So, for me, that hit something inside me. I have a tendency (and you may too, I don't know), to give my heart to Jesus, not to surrender it. Make sense?
So, tonight after IV, I found myself on the floor of my closet, crying out to God from the depths of my heart. I surrendered things to Him that I had only given previously. I won't go into detail, because that's between God and myself, but I will say that hearing Him in return... It was worth more than everything I surrendered to Him. I asked to hear His voice, and it felt like He was singing peace into my heart. It felt like He was singing life and hope and His peace back into the dark places of my heart.

All of those things I surrendered to Him are worthless compared to feeling God's peace and grace.

I'll leave you tonight with Psalm 5: 5-7
"The arrogant cannot stand
 in your presence.
You hate all those who do wrong;
you destroy all those who tell lies.
The bloodthirsty and deceitful
you, Lord, detest.
But I, by your great love,
can come your house;
in reverence I bow down 
toward your holy temple."
This was us, before the amazing love of Christ. We were bloodthirsty, deceitful, and arrogant. Only with the love of Christ can we be more.

I write. It's just what I do.

So, have you ever had a passion that you thought was weird? Like, something you loved to do, but didn't think it was at all useful? For me, that was writing. I LOVE to write. I love to write my name over and over (not because I'm narcissistic, but because I like seeing my name written by ink or graphite. I like writing quotes on papers while I'm in class. Some people doodle, I write.

So for my senior project two years ago (gah, that feels like forever!) I decided to write a novella. (For those of you that don't know, a novella is between 50 and 100 pages, usually, and tells a short story.) For me, it was one of the most challenging things I have ever done. It was difficult because I was focusing on passing AP Calculus at the time as well, which wasn't easy at all. Looking back, I realize I didn't give it my best effort. I didn't put everything I had into that novella. But either way, when I was writing, I was happy. I loved coming up with the perfect word or phrase, even if "perfect" only lasted until the next sentence. I loved seeing how I could put words together in different ways to say something new and creative. I loved that no one else had the same thoughts: what I was typing was purely mine. Same with these blogs. As I write, no matter what I'm writing about. I'm happy. I can get my thoughts down coherently (which, God knows, I can barely do in speech). I can edit myself, which I promise, is one of the best things I could ever give my readers. I feel I can also be brutally honest in writing in a way that I can't while speaking. Writing makes sense to me. Writing puts things in black and white terms, and gives names to the nameless things of this world. It can tear down, and build up; it can draw out emotions people didn't know they had; writing, when done correctly, can change how and what people see of the world. I love it.

The reason for writing this? I also type out my prayers. When praying with my eyes closed on a bed, well, that tends to turn into napping more than talking to God. When I pray without saving it somewhere, it's almost like I forget the conversations I have. But when I save them to my computer... I just went back to last March and read every prayer I've saved over the last year on the computer. It's not nearly as many as it should be, but it's enough to let me see where I've been. Looking back, I've been in some really, really dark places over the past year. I've had some wonderfully amazing times, but I've also had nights where I was surrounded by darkness. This is not a sympathy play, or a cry for help, it's just an honest statement of where I've been. And tonight, I'm thankful for that. Because I can see, not only what's gone wrong, but I can see how far God has brought me through it. I can see that I've gotten stronger. Yeah, I still have my dark days where all I see is the negative side of things, but I can also see how God's worked through those times.

I just want to thank Him publicly for instilling such a passion in my heart. He has made my life better through writing, and I hope that one day, I can use mine to influence others for Him.

Meeting with God in the Mornings

So, you know how in church people tell you all the time that the morning is the best time to talk to God? That is actually based in Scripture. I didn't know that. I really just kind of dismissed that for a really long time, because I was all, "I can talk to God whenever I please, thank you." [On an unrelated note: I'm incredibly stubborn.] I was having my quiet time with God this morning, and was just kind of flipping through my Bible, and came across Psalm 5:3. It says, "In the morning, Lord, you hear my voice; in the morning I lay my requests before you and wait expectantly." And this morning's time with Him just affirmed that.

I have an 8am class this semester, my first one of my college career, and I listen to Christian music on the way to it. Usually Kari Jobe, Anthem Lights, Jesus Culture, or Chris August, just because they make life better with their music. So, I usually spend those few minutes praising God for another day anyway, but in addition to that, today, I had a few extra minutes between classes. I went to the EUC, up to the third floor, and just sat and prayed and read my Bible. I read Psalm 81, 82, and 84, as well Psalm 5. Those just impressed upon me how MIGHTY God really is. It reminded me that this life really isn't about me, and that God has expectations of me as his child, but even if I fail Him (which I will) His love neverevernever changes. Those words of God's love were written thousands and thousands of years ago, but they remain true. God's love is so incredible!!! Walking to the lounge, I just wanted to scream, "GOD LOVES YOU! Do you get that yet?!" I don't know. God just impressed upon me once again how amazingly gracious He is.

I could never love Him the way He deserves, but He shows me love and mercy anyway.

Just a quick blog praising the One who deserves it all.

Valentine's Day and Junk

So, tomorrow is Valentine's Day.
Yay?
Honestly, this is like, the first time in forever that I'm not freaking out. For the past few years it's been all like: "OHMYGOD, I don't have a Valentine what's wrong with me and I'm going to die alone screw everyone else who has a Valentine." and so on and so forth. However, this year, I'm really okay with being single.

I have the BEST friends in the world. Like, one of my friends got me two cards, and the complete works of Jane Austen. My friends are fab. Also, I have God. I have a Lord and Savior who loves me.
That's really all I need.

Just a short one to day to say I'm thankful for friends, family, and most of all, God.
<3

Pride and Prejudice

I get asked, quite frequently, "Why are you reading that book again?" That book, friends, is Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen. Published in 1813, it is one of today's classics. I thank my friend Leeanna for introducing me to this book in 10th grade. It was the start of a love affair. ;)

But seriously, I want to explain why I love this book so much. (Some of you don't want to know, or don't care. That's cool. Just don't read it.) Let me explain. I would estimate that I've read this book probably close to fifty times over the past four years. I have two paperback copies, one beautiful hardback copy, and two different versions of the movie. I think it's safe to say that it's my favorite. Other than the Bible, and the truth of Jesus coming to save us from ourselves, I consider this story the greatest love story of all time. Why?

First, let's talk about the language and the diction of this book. There is something in Austen's writing that cannot be found in today's work. People in the 1800's spoke differently, wrote differently, thought differently than we do. (It's rather sad that we've lost the words and phrasing of that time, if you ask me.) There's just such a beautiful flow to the words in P&P. They roll off the tongue, they just convey beauty, and a timeless passion for writing.

Secondly, there's the universal emotions in this book. Every emotion in this book is expressed in such a way that it can be understood by its' readers. Love, hatred, jealousy, betrayal, that horrible feeling of being heartbroken, and that amazing feeling of falling in love for the first time: they're all there. And those feelings are so real, that the reader can't help but feel them along with Elizabeth, Jane, Darcy, and Bingley.

Last, but not least, the plot and the character development. I love the idea of falling for someone you really hated, because you gave them a chance. I love that, in the novel, people turn out to be wildly different than your expectations. I love that Elizabeth and Darcy changed for each other. I love that they could both see their flaws (after the other revealed it) and changed for the benefit of the other. If that's not true love, I don't know what is.

There is just something about this story that makes me believe in love when I feel lonely. It makes me hope that I'll find love someday when I feel forgotten. It makes me remember why I became an English major on days when I just don't want to write that paper. If anyone reads this, some of you may just think I'm a weird girl with a strange obsession for Victorian literature. (That's actually not that far from the truth.) But this blog is for all the times I've been asked by people: Why are you reading that again?, How can you like a book written 200 years ago?, and the statement that breaks my heart the most: It's really not that good of a book. So, there you have it. My reason for loving the heck out of a 200 year old book.

"I love [it]. And true love lasts a lifetime." - Love Actually

Falling in love with God

So, you know how most girls these days say something along the lines of, "There just aren't any good guys anymore." or "Guys today suck."? I hear this all the time, and for a while, I was that girl. But I've had the good fortune to meet some of the good guys. They're out there.Just a little word to the girls out there: Do you know why you're not finding these guys?

You're not looking in the right place.
You say you're looking for a guy that will treat you with respect? For a guy that will be nice to you? For a guy that will be sweet?
Go find the Christian guys. Now, I'm not saying that every guy that calls himself a Christian is truly a good guy, or will treat you the way you deserve. But when you find a guy who is truly in love with Jesus, he'll treat you the way you want to be treated.When you find a real man, a true man of God, you'll fall for him not because he's cool, not because he is handsome, but because he is in love with Jesus.

He'll make you want to be more like Christ. He'll make you want to be more than you are. He'll push and challenge you, make you uncomfortable with staying the same in your faith. He'll be so in love with God that you're drawn to God yourself.

And guys, don't let that scare you. Girls need that role model in their life! We need someone who will push us, who will lead us toward God's love, someone we can walk with. We expect that out of you, because that's what God created you to do.

That's a single girl's opinion on why a lot of relationships fail. I think people get married for the wrong reasons: looks, money, etc., and they burn out because Jesus isn't the center of that relationship. As for me, I'm going to wait for the man that will push me, help me grow, and love me by loving God more.

Thanks, Matt.

Tonight, I'd just like to give a quick shout-out to a man I'm proud to call my friend: Matt Kennedy.
I'm not super close with Matt, but what I do know is that he loves Jesus a lot, which is really refreshing at the college I attend. He spoke at BCM tonight about salvation, and how it's impossible for man to save himself; but  salvation (and everything else) is possible for and with God. I just wanted to thank Matt for letting God use him. I know what he said made a huge impact on me tonight. God's love was absolutely pouring out of Matt's words tonight, spreading around the room and touching hearts. I've heard Matt speak before, and one of the things that strikes me every time is his humility. Matt never tries to be a big-shot, never claims to be all that, and probably because of that, all of his messages seem to shoot straight to the heart. God is working through Matt, and I just know that as he goes off to seminary, God will have greater things in store for him. Matt will be teaching, supporting, and healing a lot of people.

Thanks, Matt, for all you've done and will continue to do.

Women in America

So, as most of you who read this blog (all two of you) know, I am a feminist. I'm not "crazy", I don't not shave because of "the man", nor do I spit at men on the street. However, I do strongly believe that women can do all that men can, and more. We really can do more. Men don't bear children. However, a conversation with a friend tonight made me want to write about my stance and why I believe what I do. I also want to confront the large double standard that I, unfortunately, have. So, I'm going to attempt to keep this both rant-free, and clear, so my very strong opinions on the subject can be more easily understood. The topics I want to touch on are: pageants, especially those involving children; the use of makeup on children; and lastly, the double standard I feel both horrified of and bound to.

Let's start with my resentment of pageants. First of all, let me just start off by saying: I do NOT hate teens or adults who are in/win/support pageants. If the person wants to do it, that is their prerogative, and it is not my place to judge that. Moving on the resentment. The reason I don't like pageants is simply because I believe it causes children (young girls, mostly) to learn to hate others. Go with me for a sec. Let's just say we have two girls: Kate and Ashley, both are four years old. that are competing for the same crown, or whatever you win. So, let's say Ashley wins the pageant. What is Kate's automatic reaction? Hatred. Why is that? To me, it seems to start with the mothers of these small girls. From what I've seen of Toddlers in Tiaras, which is literally the commercials, the mothers seem (for the most part) to be the only ones who want to be there. They freak out if the little girl's outfit isn't right, or if the judges don't like her. For example, in the latest commercial, I saw a mother whose girl looked to be about three or four, and the mother was sitting in the hotel room with her daughter and husband crying, "They hate her! They hate her!" The screen then cuts to a shot of the daughter running out of the room. How on earth is that good for a four year old to hear?! To me, that is teaching your daughter to assume people will hate her if she doesn't dress "correctly", or doesn't hold herself the right way, etc. I've also seen a .gif of a girl on that show saying, "I don't even want to be here. My mom promised if I came she'd give me tacos." For a second I wanted to laugh, and then I realized how utterly sad that was. [Mothers of these girls: your daughter is not your chance to have a second chance at becoming homecoming queen. She is a person with separate interests which may or may not be the same as yours. She isn't your plaything to dress up at will.  She is beautiful, unique, and flat-out amazing. Don't teach her to hate someone else for being prettier, or thinner, or whatever. Teach her to love others, not hate them.She is your daughter. Treat her like it.] This mother had made her child do something she didn't want to do, simply so the mother could have bragging rights if she won. To me, pageants seem to exalt physical beauty only. They also seem to support hatred, competition, the idea of "I'm better than you", and that hurting others by your own glory is a good thing.

On to point two: makeup. Let's start with young girls, such as those in pageants. I see girls on these shows running around, and most of them tend to have more makeup on than I wear; and I'm a 19 year-old, who is trying to be attractive to the male gender. That is something I feel is deeply inappropriate. I feel that the girls who wear makeup like this are subconsciously being told, "You are too ugly to go out in the world with no makeup." "People won't like you if you don't wear this." "Your natural face isn't good enough." [Yes, I hear all you people who are clamoring that I wear makeup. I'm getting there. Hold your horses.] If a four year old has to put on makeup to impress a panel of judges: what does that say about our beauty system in America? To me, that is screaming that it is tremendously flawed. A four year old's experience with makeup should be being yelled at by her mother for taking the mothers' makeup while playing dress up. That's it. I feel that putting makeup on a girl that young is literally teaching her how to hate herself. In my belief system, I believe in a Creator God. That means that each person was uniquely and individually made by God. [If you have questions/comments/concerns/complaints about that, save that for a different time and place. Message me on Facebook, or something.] I think each person on this earth is beautiful to the Lord. Simple as that. I do not think that the American system of beauty is the best, or even good! One of my friends, a size 6 jean, found out that, according to American standards, she could be a plus-size model. I wear double that. I am a size 12-14 jean and PROUD. I am beautiful. I'm not saying that to toot my own horn; I am simply acknowledging what God has already said. However, I feel when you put young girls in make up, or make them count calories, or make them wear certain kinds of outfits, you are setting those girls up for failure. If a "plus-size model" is a 6, but the national average is a 10 or 12, that girl is going to hate herself. Simple as that. She will see herself as fat, when she is in fact, completely normal. How do I know this? I have struggled with this my entire life. Growing up, I had horrible self-image because I was taught that to be beautiful, you had to wear a certain jean size. Not by my parents, by the media. Shoving this kind of thinking into a four year old's head is heading for disaster, not just for her; but for her whole generation.

Lastly: the fact that, unfortunately, I am a walking contradiction. I am a feminist, but I wear makeup. I hate that women are objectified, yet I wear high heels cause they make my calves and butt look good. I hate pageants, but I love America's Next Top Model. I feel like that is truly a product of the society I live in. I'm not blaming them entirely. I know I contradict myself. For example, I've already said that in order to attract male attention, I wear makeup. However, I feel like the way I view makeup and its' uses are different from some women. I was taught by my mother, thank God, that makeup is an enhancer. It brings out the beauty that each and every woman already has. Yes, it can conceal pimples, and yes, it can even out your skin, but it will never take the place of the natural beauty every woman has. That is my personal reason that I wear makeup. I'm trying to enhance myself, not hide behind a sheet of it. This paragraph will be kind of short. I just wanted to acknowledge that I know I contradict myself quite a bit. I feel like some of the reasons I do that is because of the media, and the American standards for beauty, which (as previously stated) are completely warped. However, at the same time that I blame the media, I'm only worsening the problem by giving into its' pressures. I feel like gender roles, and how each should be viewed are not things that can be easily dealt with, or unraveled. I just wanted to give an honest opinion about how I felt. 

I'd love to keep the conversation going, so comment below, or message me/post on my wall on Facebook!

Kayla 

Honesty

So, tonight, I just wanted to share some encouraging words I found in Psalms 73. For a while now, I've been battling with a lot of things, and I just now feel like I'm at a point where I may be able to defeat them. However, for a long time now, my main fear is that God wouldn't take me after all the things I'd said and done. I'd had lots of sacrilegious thoughts, God only knows how many actions and words... and I knew that if I were God, I sure wouldn't want me. However, tonight I found these verses:
"When my heart was grieved
   and my spirit embittered,
I was senseless and ignorant;
   I was a brute beast before you.

Yet I am always with you;
   You hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
   and afterward you will take me into glory.
Whom have I in heaven but you?
   And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and heart may fail,
   but God is the strength of my heart
   and my portion forever."
                         - Psalm 73:21-26

These verses were just so comforting to me! It lets me know that no matter what I say or think or feel or do, that God not only accepts me; He holds my hand and walks me through the hard times. It's just a comfort to know that He won't ever let me go. I saw something interesting the other day: it talked about how we always freak out over the "loss of salvation". We get scared because we think we can lose our salvation. But, in the end, it's not about whether we can "lose" our salvation; the real question is: will God ever let us go? The answer, my dears, is NEVER. Never ever ever ever ever. He is there and He loves you no matter what.

Just some encouraging thoughts at 3:23 am. In case anyone needed them like I did tonight.

2012 has arrived, ya'll!

So, here we are. We are three days into the new year.
They have been overall good days for me (as I hope they have been for you). I can't wait to be back in Greensboro. I love my little town, but I also miss the hustle and bustle of a city. I miss having something to do; yes, I did just say I miss homework. I miss my friends. I miss my campus ministry. I miss the support there on campus. All that being said:

The last few days I have been nervous. Like, anxious. A lot. No idea why. It just seems to be a normal part of my day now. Part of it, I think, stems from the fact that I'm moving into a lot of new stuff this semester/year. I'm taking three classes I'm almost positive I'm going to be terrible at, I'll be leading a bible study for the first time ever (exciting, but still a bit nerve-wracking), and I'm turning 20. Maybe I'm just having a bit of an existential crisis about no longer being a teenager, but I truly do feel like I'm just freaking out all the time over things I have zero control over.

It almost feels like I'm being tempted with worry, if that makes sense. In Francis Chan's Crazy Love, he talks about how stress and worry are both ways of telling God that we don't trust Him enough. And then tonight, I saw this tweet: "Don't freak out because u don't know what the future holds. Remember, God holds the future in His hands. Sleep well." To be honest, that's (for some reason) something I've been having trouble doing lately. Going to bed and sleeping with ease. I feel... scared at night for some reason. I don't know what it is, or why, but I just feel uneasy. But, for some reason, those two things clicked in my head tonight. That I truly can sleep well and be at peace, because God has me in His hand. There is nothing I can do about my future, except trust that God sees it and is planning and shaping it.

It's just comforting to know that the One who knows eternity loves and knows me too.